damage control

i think i seriously need to do some damage control...i have this crazy urge to see blood...to see people cry...and basically to have nothing to do with happiness...it is all coming back...overwhelming me...devouring me...and i am drowning...unable to breathe and think properly...i think i should eat more of my medicine...the dosage i am having now is losing its effect...it has come back to haunt me...to confiscate what i do not deserve...to punish me...and when i ask for help...everyone thinks i am joking...or that i will be strong enough...well..listen up...because i have never been strong and am not going to be strong...so give it up...this 40 Ann thing is killing me...so forget about asking me to go for more practises...and i know i am not the most perfect person to be ASL...but i am trying...but let's face it...i will never be a good one...i am never born with leadership skills...i just deal with people in a way that i know they will not want to hack me to death the moment i am alone...so if u are asking anything more...please raise your hand and put it where your mouth is...because i cannot take it anymore and you know it...so shut the hell up...and if you don't...i am telling you right now...if you think i am bad then fire me...