damage control

i think i seriously need to do some damage control...i have this crazy urge to see blood...to see people cry...and basically to have nothing to do with happiness...it is all coming back...overwhelming me...devouring me...and i am drowning...unable to breathe and think properly...i think i should eat more of my medicine...the dosage i am having now is losing its effect...it has come back to haunt me...to confiscate what i do not deserve...to punish me...and when i ask for help...everyone thinks i am joking...or that i will be strong enough...well..listen up...because i have never been strong and am not going to be strong...so give it up...this 40 Ann thing is killing me...so forget about asking me to go for more practises...and i know i am not the most perfect person to be ASL...but i am trying...but let's face it...i will never be a good one...i am never born with leadership skills...i just deal with people in a way that i know they will not want to hack me to death the moment i am alone...so if u are asking anything more...please raise your hand and put it where your mouth is...because i cannot take it anymore and you know it...so shut the hell up...and if you don't...i am telling you right now...if you think i am bad then fire me...

just another pointless entry

okay...if u feel disgusted or annoyed to read another one of my depressing entery, plz close this window...i sjall not force u to read this...you dun have to if u dun want to...i understand that not everyone likes depressing things...




no one is ever there when i needed them...though i am the one to blame...i nvr did open up to them in the first place...even my best friend dun reali understand me...i noe i shud try to express myself more...kinda like put myself out there...or come out of my shell...however u like to put it...but everytime i try to express myself...i either cant open my mouth...or when i actuali found sth to say...it nvr make sense...everything is just so twisted inside me...i like, but i dun like...i want,but i dun want...i hate, but i dun hate...and that's only the beginning...maybe that's why no one listens to me...i say things that dun make any logical sense...yes i am jealous...jealous of those who can express themselves...those who can cry...those who can die...and those who can express themselves in artistic ways...i cant...and everything gets bottled up...even when it reach max volume...i cant still do nth to lessen the burden except shout at ppl who care...i nvr allow anyone near me...it is just wrong...or so i think...i am always this pillar figure who holds things up for others...and dun get me wrong...i like holding things up for others...but sometimes...i need a pillar i guess...but...i can nvr let anyone that close to me...i just...cant...maybe i shud just try the put-myself-out-there thing...so i can find someone who can understand me even when i duno how to express how i feel...perhaps that is why they call soul mates...or the ulimate friend...